Wednesday, April 04, 2007


Its been kind of troubling me so I wanted to write about it rather then wax eloquent about my recent trip to Guwahati where the people are the sweetest, the air the balmiest, and the green the greenest. How expressive can I get now? So what has been troubling me that I wanted to write about?

I called a friend to inform her about a new job prospect since I knew she was on the look out for this, and we connected after a period of say , two weeks where she had gone into hibernation and I had been very busy as well. So it was good and the first thing she says after we get over the details of the job etc., is , I sense that something has been happening in your life.
Ya, sure like relatives landing up, my daughter going into a deep blue funk because of her examinations coming up, my son being too busy at work to drop in at home from Gurgaon for the last couple of weeks, and the washing machine not sucking in enough excelmatic, and my hubby out on tour and... so this is life, I wanted to say so what are you talking about?

And she says, no I am exploring my psychic self and I can sense there is some change in your life.
So blow me away I tell her, tell me about it.

She says, I don't know, you have to tell me, and that's about it. and I can sense the air of sudden anticipation in her voice.

I tell her then, how did you know, I'm feeling very good about myself, I was really made too much of in Guwahati and for the first time I felt like I was a person in my own right, and I knew what receiving respect, consideration an admiration was all about, for my work and because of it, and I loved interacting and connecting with people, and so on.
She said, go on.
I said I have a sense of self -worth and isn't that something.
She said, yes, go on.
I said I have made new friends who are not my husband's friends or family friends but my freinds. They discuss poetry and writing with me. I feel intellectually stimulated and content as well.
So I'm on the road to somewhere.

She met me today and did not look me in the eye.
I asked her why.
She says that she does not want to embarass me. She says she can see the happiness bubbling all around me, but does not want to tell me that she understands why.

Now this really baffled me. I was not hiding anything from her, yet she felt that there was something else that accounted for my happiness, which she did not want to acknowledge.

It shamed me, this attitude of hers. I felt somewhat smaller. Happiness also has to have an unnecesary explanation. It cannot be taken for itself.

In other words, if you experience a happiness, keep it to yourself. The world does not want to see it. Your friends do not want to see it. Is this the message I am getting?

So much for being psychic. I think its better to be not so, if you read too much into things.

Anyways, I forgive her her doubts.

I am happy, for the time being.