Not Nice to be ‘Nice’

Sometimes it is not nice to be ‘nice’. You are actually performing a disservice to the person to whom you are being nice. I had been ignoring the call for comment on the poems of a friend. His poems did not pass muster and hence I was maintaining my silence. However, there is nothing like persistence to get resistance down. I succumbed to his constant requests and gave a comment. It was a positive note that I sent. Really would have preferred to not have said anything. Did not think much of this either, because I think it is necessary to encourage people to do what they want to do.

However, a discussion with another friend brought the disservice I had actually done to the fore. She asked me whether I had really liked the poem and I said no. She then asked me why I had posted a positive comment. I said he did write good poems, some of them were very good actually, (I had read some of them in the past),and this one was not all that bad.

She was not convinced, because she knew from my eyes that I did not believe that this poem was worth responding too, regardless of how good his earlier poems may have been.

I knew she was talking sense.

So I decided from then on to not be ‘nice’. Little did I know that this decision of mine would land me in a soup the next day when I spoke my mind out to a publisher friend. However, wonders will never cease. Though he was very upset at the time when I spoke my mind, he later capitulated and we are friends once again. So if people can take the truth and still be your friend, that’s good. Otherwise, don’t be nice for the sake of friendship. Actually, you are not being the true friend that you should be if you are ‘nice’.

Constructive criticism is necessary. You need not be brutal, but don’t be a sucker in any case. If you can’t say anything good, then keep quiet. And if he persists, then show that you are made of sterner stuff. Continue to maintain silence. And if he still carries on, then tell him the truth as you see it and let him bear the consequences of his pushiness.

If you have to say what is needed, do so, and be done with it. Its better than being ‘nice’, and your friend will thank you for it in the end.

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Together and Separate

We grow together and we grow separately.

Last year I attended an intense two week residential program, to find myself, so to speak, for I had lost the essences of my life in many ways. The set of ideals and values I lived by had taken a toss, and I was agitated, irritated, angry, unmoored, lost and thrashing against anything and everything that came my way, unable to accept or take anymore of life as it had been.

A suggestion by a friend whom I had recently met, and who is one of the initial change-makers in my life, led me to experience this workshop. It was a sudden, impulsive decision, and I am glad for it.

En route to this workshop, I made friends with a woman sitting next to me, and it turned out that she was traveling to the same place and the same workshop. The friend I spoke of earlier, who had suggested this workshop for me, turned out to be a close friend of hers. It turned out that during the workshop, we were sharing the same room in the hotel; this grouping had been done by the organizers. We also found out that we had known each other in another city, at another time, in our childhood days. She had held her face in astonishment and delight, her eyes wide with excitement, and kept repeating my name as if it was a mantra all of a sudden, the revelation was so great for her. It was she who placed me from those times. And then the excitement began to touch me as well, soon enough. We became comrades in arms, and she was a good room-mate, understanding, adjusting and fun to be with. Her thoughts and their expressions were clear and coherent, and her views openly radical in a society like ours. She heard a different drummer and was not averse to stating it. I refused to be shocked, and took her in my stride. Despite her tough stance, she had her own vulnerabilities, which made her human to the core. For me, she was sensitive and considerate and that was enough. She also gave me space. Her occasional unconscious and sometimes conscious attempts at trying to change my thinking failed, because I am stubborn to the core. What I considered worth taking, I did. She was stabilizing in her own way, making me see certain aspects of my behaviour in a clearer way. Needless to say, the relationship has strengthened quite rapidly ever since our return from the workshop. We are each other’s sounding boards, and our friendship is based on a great degree of openness.

This year I will attend the second phase of the workshop, and she will not be with me for this journey, for she will be away in another country with family and friends. And so this time my growth and evolution during the workshop will happen without her. We grew together the last time, this time we will grow separately. She will be in another country; I will be in the workshop.

So it is with people in life, we grow together sometime, and we grow separately sometime. And both are required for individuals to flourish on their own, and for them to flourish with those they consider their friends and compatriots in life.

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